Shallowness Shallowness

It’s a tale about going home, about an expat who has grown far away from home, not quite what you’d expect.
It’s about that chock to the system because of the way people and things stay the same while you having a life and moving on fast…

That night, I got home from a nostalgic episode of my long-lost past…

Once upon a time, I was young, fragile, insecure, oppressed and lost.
I got myself a friend as I was never the type to be with a million.
I loved intimacy, closeness, to fusion with my other as if we could be sisters.
I was the one friend who would make you feel special, who would make you shine under an amazing light, a light nurtured by my appreciation and respect.
I was that special influence in your life which would build your confidence and push you to realise, there were no limits but the sky.

DecolonialHealingBlack

We were young, naive and beautiful in our own way.
But at the same time, our personalities were getting shaped for life, we were starting to repeat patterns we learned at home, to each her own…
Being angels and demons, generously innocents and perversely vicious simultaneously…
We were complex beings coming out of our childhood chrysalis to become…

That night, I went back to the past for a moment, plunged into that blurry sensation and realised that some people have the capacity to mutate into adulthood earlier than others. We all remember that popular one, that beautiful Lolita, that smart kid. She had that something special that glow everybody else wanted.That’s how crowds of fans would form as well as a royal court, all of it revolving around her with a tailor made ruling system.

Once upon a time it seems, I thought I had found myself a friend to share intimacy and closeness with, to wake up to another reality and found myself with a Queen to be.
I helped build her enormous ego, so she could shine so bright and when she realised I was the only one left to see who the real her was, she stabbed me in the back. A common occurrence among teenagers…
I learned a valuable lesson but I didn’t change my way of treating those I choose to be friends with, those I chose as my brothers and sisters.

At that moment, I had to remember because the old Queen reappeared, although she had changed physically, she was the same hollow space inside, in need of glowing above others.
It was decided few days earlier that we would meet with whom, I consider to be a former sister as she was the one I walked the wounded path with; after my falling from the royal court and she remained to this day in my company, from the distance of the kilometres and frontiers.

My findings on this particular encounter were most interesting, I had changed indeed after 28 years.
I’m the same sensitive freak but I can smell from a mile with my witch’s sixth sense when another woman is coming at me because she feels threatened. Because she doesn’t feel beautiful, young or all enough and for me the eternal tomboy who realised of her feminine qualities in my ageing process, it’s quite uncanny.
Comparing to what?
Not enough of what?
This is not ageing gracefully, so close to the fifties leaving way behind the forties. Shallow land is sad and foolish but it exists.

Some people are late bloomers and after so much time, waiting in other people’s shadow, observing and learning they certainly can dismay and upset prom Queens.
When it really appears to be a formative period where some are becoming from the inside out, developing through intricate metamorphosis a genuine new version of their former self. Because it’s a deep and long process to achieve growth, individual character and ultimately uniqueness.

The tactics sadly haven’t changed, I wish I would have found any interest in acting out or resisting but I could not be bothered.
The attention seeker is somewhat an eternal sufferer.

Subsequently, I am older, resilient, confident, liberated and found…

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Subsequently, I am older, resilient, confident, liberated and found…

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